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Deathmatch Downunder: Not Here to F*ck Spiders Results

This past Saturday, DMDU once again returned to Arrow Hall where, to the delight of a sold-out crowd, new Champions were crowned, familiar faces were welcomed, and an accepted invitation produced one of the best Death Matches in Australian Wrestling history.

Blacklisted (JXT and FOX) defeated Kid Valiant & Zane Zodiac in a DMDU Semi-Final Tag Team Championship Tournament Match

While the crowd was firmly behind the highflyers in this opening match, Valiant and Zodiac were no match for the underhanded tactics of Blacklisted. The opening stages of this battle looked favourable for the smaller team. Unfortunately, a blatant low blow behind the referee’s back by JXT to Zane rudely brought Zodiac down from his Atmosphere, and a double team slam into the canvas was all it took to pick up the pinfall and the advancement into the Main Event.

Misspent Youth (Aysha & Murdoch) defeated The Anti-Death Match Party (Mitchell Wright & Hector Jones) in a DMDU Semi-Final Tag Team Championship Tournament Match

This match has as many personal implications as it did professional for the romantically linked Misspent Youth. With Aysha going on record telling Murdoch that, should they fail to capture the DMDU Tag Team Championships he would no longer be ‘Her Boi’, the self-imposed pressure was on to defeat two men who stand against everything DMDU stands for in Mitchell Wright & Hector Jones.

Fortunately, Murdoch and Aysha were able to get the job done in the clutch, and a beautifully executed double team maneuver that evoked shades of The Hart Foundation allowed Misspent Youth to advance to the Main Event, where a double date with Blacklisted awaited!

‘Relentless’ Jake Navara defeated Magnificent Mitchell

The mysterious Mitchell appeared in the ring before Jake made his entrance, his masked face not betraying his demeanor going into this match. While the fight was much more of an even event than the size difference in competitors would have one believe, ultimately ‘Relentless’ Jake Navara lived up to his moniker with a pinfall victory and a post-match beatdown. Not to be satisfied with the dominance over his opponent, Navara also took things to very personal levels when he unmasked Mitchell in front of the astonished crowd, causing the mysterious man to lose much of his magnificence.

Navara then took to the microphone and expressed his disdain for those that wear masks, and next called out Kid Valiant, telling him we would be made an example of at a later date!

Caveman Ugg defeated Tommy Knight

In what was a strong contender for ‘Match of the Night’, ‘The Prodigy’ and ‘The Jurassic Juggernaut’ took each other to their limits. A true heavyweight battle, the match was incredibly hard hittig, and both men displayed the wounds of battle as time progressed in the ring. Ultimately, Cavemann Ugg was able to silence ‘The Prodigy’ and win via pinfall.

The DMDU crowd showed their appreciation post-match with a standing ovation, and Ugg paid respect to Tommy Knight with a handshake in the middle of the ring.

Joel Bateman defeated Atlas Whittaker in a Light Tube Death Match

As is Professional Wrestling’s nature, a card is “subject to change” on any given night. Such was the case with the scheduled No-Rope Barbed Wire Death Match between Joel Bateman and Vixsin. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Vixsin was unable to make it to the match. Therefore, an open challenge was issued by ‘The Smash Hit’ and the unlikeliest of candidates answered.

In his Death Match debut, Atlas Whittaker made believers out of the entire crowd. While boasting prior to the match that he would win the violent outing using his intellect and pedigree, Atlas found himself outmatched by the Death Match veteran Bateman. However, somewhere during the midway of the match, something changed in Atlas’s strategy, and a visible transformation took over the fighter. With it came a viciousness that matched the energy of Joel, and both men unleashed everything they had against each other.

Both men bled. Both men would not stay down. And both men were cheered by an adoring crowd. While Joel’s experience in this type of match allowed him to pick up the pinfall victory, his respect was given to Atlas, and Whittaker was given the ring to himself to soak in a much-deserved standing ovation.

Callen Butcher, Zuzu, & Michael Weaver defeated Gweedo, York, and Mike Kaos in a ‘Fans Bring the Blocks & Alpha’ Death Match

This six-man match was chaos from the opening bell. Bodies were slammed into building blocks. Knives were used against opponents in hopes of stopping their momentum. And, in what ultimately won the match, the UGWA UltraViolence Champion Gweedo was made to tap out by Callen Butcher via the Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring!

With yet another victory under his belt against the champion, Butcher got on the microphone after the match and demanded a Title Match in the near future.

Unfortunately, Butcher ultimately was the target of a newly formed alliance led by Gweedo, with a vicious quartet of wrestlers now calling themselves ‘The Ultraviolent Connection’. This faction will clearly make the path to Championship Gold one full of very violent hurdles for ‘Nobody’ Callen Butcher.

Tyson Baxter defeated Shazza McKenzie

‘The Heartbreak Core’ McKenzie had not wrestled in Melbourne in over two years prior to this match, and the welcoming reception she received from the crowd was a reminder of her status as an icon in Australian Professional Wrestling. However, ‘Fever Pitch’ Tyson Baxter was all the more incensed for this and had mentioned multiple times prior to this match his annoyance at the seeming dismissal of him as an opponent for Shazza.

In an excellent outing, Tyson proved one to not be taken lightly, earning a pinfall victory against McKenzie that saw Shazza taking the young upstart to his limits.

Undoubtedly elated by the thrill of victory, Baxter immediately declared his intention to compete in the Death Match Down Under Heavyweight Championship Tournament that will be taking place next month!

Gore w/ Krakerjak defeated Ritchie Taylor

In what turned into a handicap match very quickly, ‘The Mad Bastard’ Krakerjak proved to be the catalyst in this fight. Seemingly out at ringside to cheer his brother Gore on, Krakerjak took every opportunity to assault ‘Smashmouth’ behind the referee’s back.

Not satisfied with disrespecting the referee’s authority, Gore’s older brother took it a step further and physically assaulted the official with a kick to the nether regions! While the ref recouped, Gore decimated Taylor and picked up a pinfall victory.

After the match, Krakerjak entered Gore into the DMDU Heavyweight Championship Tournament on ‘The Snuff King’s’ behalf!

Misspent Youth (Aysha & Murdoch) defeated Blacklisted (JXT & FOX) in the finals of the DMDU Tag Team Championship Tournament.

A fairytale moment unfurled in the Main Event of the evening. A damsel in distress. Two nasty ogres. A knight in shining armour. And then a damsel coming to the aid of her knight when the armor was demolished.

The romance between Misspent Youth was preserved as Aysha and Murdoch dug deep and became the inaugural DMDU Tag Team Champions!

An elated crowd celebrated the amazing professional and personal milestone with the young couple as confetti rained down upon the new champs. If there was a takeaway from Not Here To Fuck Spiders, it’s that love conquers all!

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